musings…

“The divinely initiated encounter between God and Hagar began with these words: “The angel of the LORD found Hagar near a spring in the desert”. How like God to become her spring in the desert. El Roi. He sees when no one else cares to look. He sees through the smile we wear when we’re dying inside. He sees our hurt when we’re mistreated. He sees us when we cry into our pillow because we feel unloved. He sees beyond our sin into the depth of our need. He sees when we’re hiding. Running. He sees when we continue to sow the seed of His word even in the floodplain of our grief. Sometimes we don’t realize we’ve encounted God until our vision clears. He is the God who sees me“
- Beth Moore, The Patriarchs, Week 2 Day 1

Last night, after hours of tears, confusion, confessions, vulnerability, and prayers, the power of these truths changed my life. He has set me free.

If the Son has set you free, you are free indeed.

There is now no condemnation for those who walk according to the Spirit.

I have been given the right to be called a child of God.

Perfect love casts out all fear.

I have been created in the image of God.

God is love.

Our present sufferings are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.

Nothing can separate us from the love of God.

In all things, we are more than conquerors.

A spirit of fear is not from God.

Every day of my life was planned before one of them came to be.

In Him we receive grace upon grace.

Jesus died for me.

I am not just a dot on this earth.

I am not useless.

I am not worthless.

The lies no longer have power over me.

The chains have been broken.

God is enough, and He makes me to be enough.

I am loved.

During the past two days, something within me has shifted. Perhaps started by two conversations with two incredible people, both of which really, really humbled me. Maybe it was the moment that came late that night when I just decided that I’m done with living in these chains, I’m sick of giving them control. I don’t know what it was. But there’s something. Maybe it was when all of the sudden, I had such a strong desire to be in the Word and to just glean from it. When that unexplainable craving that I haven’t experienced in oh-so-long was just suddenly… there. Perhaps it was when I was flipping through a fashion/fitness magazine and recognized that I was filling my brain with crap, and threw it away.

Something is changing.

It’s exciting and it’s raw and it’s real and it’s scary.

Lord, let this be the turning of a new page, the start of a new chapter. A chapter of discovering Your grace and Your peace and your tender, Fatherly love. Let my life be a testimony of who You are. 

This past school year, every time I went into a friend’s room I saw a Spurgeon quote that she had on her desk that read “a prayerless soul is a restless soul”. Those words have been haunting me since I came home a month ago.

I don’t really understand what prayer is. Sure, I could define it for you, but the concept itself it just so hard to wrap my mind around. So for now, I’m borrowing some prayers written by some singers, finding and singing songs that put into words what I need to express.

Tonight, this is all I can pray.

I‘m so tired of chasing the moment instead of chasing You
I let the world wear me down, I’m desensitized
Jesus keep my heart alive, keep my heart alive
Only You can save me from a world that’s breaking right before my eyes
Only You can save me when my hope is fading, and I’m losing the fight
Keep my heart alive

Take these empty “hallelujahs”, and fill my lungs again
‘Cause I want to sing, and I want to mean it
I want to feel again

And let the world hear the sound of something divine
And when the world wears me down,
You’re my lifeline
You keep my heart alive 

Jesus, keep my heart alive.

It is currently 2:30AM, but instead of sleeping, I am left thinking.

I want to bring glory to God.

I want to live a life that others feel encouraged when they see it.

I want those close to me to see spiritual growth in my life.

But are any of these desires for completely pure reasons? Is any part of my life completely pure? Is the reason that I have been waging war with doubts because I’m not truly seeking God, but only seeking the effects of Him?

What does it even mean to truly seek Him?

On a somewhat unrelated note, I realized tonight that it’s been six and a half years since I started my fight against eating disorders. I remembered the brokenness and hopelessness that consumed my life. I remembered how I heard so many stories of deliverance, of sufferers realizing the futility of the lifestyle and turning away from it, never to go back to it.
I remembered waiting, wondering when it would be my turn for an epiphany.

Truth is, that epiphany never came. What did come were decisions. Every day. Every hour. To choose food or to not choose food. To choose to live for myself or for Him. To trust in myself or to trust in the One bigger than I.

Truth is, these decisions still face me every day.

I guess I’ll leave this post with these questions open. Because right now, I don’t have answers. I don’t know if there are answers. I don’t know what that even means.

Lord, come.

by Kendall Payne. Please, please let these words touch your heart.

I will show you love like I’ve never loved before
I will go the distance and back for more if you just say the word
‘Cause you will come alive again
Call the trying times your friend
Pain that you have suffered through
Will never get the best of you
You will hope in something real
Won’t depend on how you feel 
When you call My name, then I will answer

Cause I am on your side
Though the wind and waves
Beat against your faith
You were on My mind
When the world was made
Trust in me My child

Walk out on the water
Where you have no control
Scared of every failure
You sacrifice your soul, please let that go

Cause you have climbed an uphill road
You have worn a heavy load
You have cried through endless nights
Nearly giving up the fight
Watch your dreams like fallen stars
Heartache made you who you are
Looking back you see that I have always been there

Where are you going to hide from Me?
Where are you going to go where I can’t see?

Cause I have heard your cry
And it breaks my heart, for I love you so
I would never lie
This is not the end
There is still a hope

Cause I am on your side
Though the wind and waves
Beat against your faith
You were on my mind
When the world was made
Trust in Me, My child

What I think is safe to consider the most emotional week of the school year has begun. All of the ‘lasts’ are happening, time is being spent thinking about what’s changed since last fall, and about what will be different next fall. The fact that I’m as sad as I am about this year ending is just showing me how ridiculously blessed I’ve been this year. Between my leadership team, prayer group, friends, classmates, and spiritual leaders, I have been surrounded by individuals who are absolutely incredible.

Letting go of all this is hard. As much as I’ve been challenged, I’m comfortable where I am. I don’t want things to change. I hate the thought of no longer living on the same hall as spiritual mentors whose hall I’ve been on for two years. I don’t want to stop having accountabilities with an incredible role model who has truly discipled me this year. The thought of not seeing some of my best friends on the hall every day honestly stinks. And yet, to some degree it’s still kind of exciting to look at next year. At this point I honestly don’t know what it will look like, and the thought of going to a new leadership position, a new part of campus, with a new group of girls, and having a new roommate is honestly kind of scary. But knowing that the Lord doesn’t change one bit, and knowing that I’m going to have to trust Him in a whole new way, is exciting.

Father, please guide my every step. Help me not try to trust in my own limited, unwise thoughts. Take control of every circumstance right now. Place me where  you want me, Lord. Use me as You will. 

“You will keep in perfect peace the mind that is dependent on You, for it is trusting in You” -Isaiah 26:3

A few nights ago, I went to campus church. After the service ended, I found an area of the sanctuary that was empty and sat down with my Bible in one hand and a notebook in the other. I spent a while praying, and then flipping through the pages of my bible. There were two passages that I read and thought were absolutely beautiful, and I wrote them out in my notebook.

Late the next night, I was lying in my bed stressed out about a decision I need to make which will have a huge impact on the next year of my life. In tears, I was trying to pray through how I was going to get through next year, what I would do if I fell while in a position of leadership, and how I would keep going with it in times of spiritual dryness, in moments when none of it seems real. Frustrated, I pulled out my notebook to write, and turned to a fresh page. The verses I wrote out the night before, however, caught my eye.

“The Lord is trustworthy in all he promises and faithful in all he does. The Lord upholds all who fall and lifts up all who are bowed down. The eyes of all look to you, and you give them their food at the proper time. You open your hand and satisfy the desires of every living thing. The Lord is righteous in all his ways and faithful in all he does. The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth. He fulfills the desires of those who fear him; he hears their cry and saves them. The Lord watches over all who love him” -Psalm 145:14-20.

Sometimes, I hear people say that the Word spoke to them. That night, I understood what that meant.

He will prove faithful. He will be near when you call. He will hear your cry. He watches over you.
Trust Him.

I’m tempted to start this post out with, “Sometimes, as women, we feel lonely”. While that probably is a true statement, I think it’s time to make these overgeneralizations a little more personal. So, I’ll say that sometimes, I feel lonely. I think loneliness is a really weird thing, because it seems that everyone experiences it at some point, maybe even fairly regularly- but despite the fact that we all deal with it, the issue itself is feeling alone. You’d think we’d start to figure out how to deal with this, how to eliminate it- we try the quick-fix of our choosing, be it a substance, a crash diet, an unhealthy relationship, chocolate, or withdrawing completely. We could even add our Christian twist to it- find the right prayer to pray, the right hymn to sing, or the best Bible verse to memorize. But, try as I may, the feeling of loneliness still manages to creep back into my heart.

I think the Lord created us for fellowship. We were not meant to walk the Christian life alone, and I don’t want that idea to come across. That said, I think He sometimes allows us to walk by ourselves for a period of time. Maybe while walking through a desert. Perhaps when crossing a valley on the way to the next mountain. Wherever, whenever, and however it all works, God allows these feelings of loneliness to exist; while He could remove them instantly, He often times does not.

This whole thing is just plain frustrating at times. From my feeble human mind, it doesn’t seem to make sense. Sometimes I just don’t understand why despite cries for relief, He leaves us in the desert, seemingly alone.

“Then He said to them, ‘My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.’ Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, ‘My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.’ Then he returned to his disciples and found them sleeping. ‘Couldn’t you men keep watch with me for one hour?’ he asked Peter.” [Matthew 26:38-40]

The Savior of the world came to earth. He chose twelve disciples. Of these, he chose the three with whom he was closest to go with him to the garden of Gethsemane. And yet, when he went to pray to his Father, they couldn’t even stay awake. Jesus, the creator of the earth and every person on it, was left alone.
Not long after this, he was separated from his Father- with whom he was one. He experienced a type of loneliness that we can’t even begin to fathom. And while our loneliness is usually not our chosen state, Christ chose to go to the cross- because of his pursuit for me and for you.

The value of something is determined by what someone will pay for it.
Jesus paid for our souls with his own being.

“For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are- yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need” [Hebrews 4:15-16]

This Easter, whether you are walking through the desert, the fire, the valley, or on a mountaintop, recognize his pursuit of you. His pursuit that took him- willingly- to the cross, so that he could be here with you in your moments of joy and of heartbreak.

Some days, it just hits all over again.

The past. The pain and the brokenness and the strength of the chains that had me bound. The overwhelming feelings of being inadequate, worthless, ugly, unloved, fat, and unwanted. The reminders of my weakness- the weakness of giving into temptation, of trying to stand on my own two feet, of being overcome by emotion, of falling and not being able to get back up. The memories- the reminders of brokenness, the replays of words said and offenses committed, the scars and the bruises, the frustration, the tears.

But then, Truth is washed over the broken places all over again. The Truth that it’s through this weakness that He can shine the brightest through me. The Truth that I am fully, unconditionally forgiven. The truth that His faithfulness is not based on mine. The Truth that isn’t just a sentence, a statement or a feeling, but that is a Person.

“Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.”
The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him;
it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD”
- Lamentations 3:22-26

My past, though it has formed me into who I am now, doesn’t matter. Sounding ‘Christian’ doesn’t matter. Knowing the words to worship songs doesn’t matter. Theological arguments don’t matter. Trying to be the best, the strongest, the most spiritual- none of that matters.
He is love. Look outside. The mountains, the sunsets, the starts- He created it all, as an expression of Himself- and we know that He is love.

Lord, forgive me. Forgive my unbelief. Forgive my futile attempts to rely on myself, my attempts to earn Your grace. Father, thank You that You are love, and that despite all this, You still love me- and You always will. Thank you, Lord, for Your mercy and tenderness. Please Father, capture me again.