Some days, it just hits all over again.
The past. The pain and the brokenness and the strength of the chains that had me bound. The overwhelming feelings of being inadequate, worthless, ugly, unloved, fat, and unwanted. The reminders of my weakness- the weakness of giving into temptation, of trying to stand on my own two feet, of being overcome by emotion, of falling and not being able to get back up. The memories- the reminders of brokenness, the replays of words said and offenses committed, the scars and the bruises, the frustration, the tears.
But then, Truth is washed over the broken places all over again. The Truth that it’s through this weakness that He can shine the brightest through me. The Truth that I am fully, unconditionally forgiven. The truth that His faithfulness is not based on mine. The Truth that isn’t just a sentence, a statement or a feeling, but that is a Person.
“Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.”
The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him;
it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD”
- Lamentations 3:22-26
My past, though it has formed me into who I am now, doesn’t matter. Sounding ‘Christian’ doesn’t matter. Knowing the words to worship songs doesn’t matter. Theological arguments don’t matter. Trying to be the best, the strongest, the most spiritual- none of that matters.
He is love. Look outside. The mountains, the sunsets, the starts- He created it all, as an expression of Himself- and we know that He is love.
Lord, forgive me. Forgive my unbelief. Forgive my futile attempts to rely on myself, my attempts to earn Your grace. Father, thank You that You are love, and that despite all this, You still love me- and You always will. Thank you, Lord, for Your mercy and tenderness. Please Father, capture me again.
