It is currently 2:30AM, but instead of sleeping, I am left thinking.
I want to bring glory to God.
I want to live a life that others feel encouraged when they see it.
I want those close to me to see spiritual growth in my life.
But are any of these desires for completely pure reasons? Is any part of my life completely pure? Is the reason that I have been waging war with doubts because I’m not truly seeking God, but only seeking the effects of Him?
What does it even mean to truly seek Him?
On a somewhat unrelated note, I realized tonight that it’s been six and a half years since I started my fight against eating disorders. I remembered the brokenness and hopelessness that consumed my life. I remembered how I heard so many stories of deliverance, of sufferers realizing the futility of the lifestyle and turning away from it, never to go back to it.
I remembered waiting, wondering when it would be my turn for an epiphany.
Truth is, that epiphany never came. What did come were decisions. Every day. Every hour. To choose food or to not choose food. To choose to live for myself or for Him. To trust in myself or to trust in the One bigger than I.
Truth is, these decisions still face me every day.
I guess I’ll leave this post with these questions open. Because right now, I don’t have answers. I don’t know if there are answers. I don’t know what that even means.
Lord, come.
